Could I Be Broken?
A couple of weeks ago I thought I was broken. Emotionally I mean. I was planning a massive adventure moving to Spain for three months. Flying on my own, living a plane ride away from family and friends and working in a completely different environment. I should have been nervous, I thought I would be very worried about the flight. Excitement should have been the overwhelming feeling but I felt nothing. I was looking forward to the time I would have to get more blogging and learning done. The weather was also a big draw, with the temperature almost constantly showing 10degrees celsius more than home. Yet still I felt nothing, no servers, no excitement joy.
Could this have been because I was ready for a change. So it didn’t feel like a big deal, just a natural thing to do. Maybe I was more confident in myself and my abilities, I had no need to worry about anything going wrong. Perhaps subconsciously I knew I could do it. It could be that I have officially started adulting and you get to a certain age and start to feel less emotional about stuff. Or the fact that last year involved a lot of emotional ups and downs I had run out of emotion. Whatever is was it felt wrong that I felt that way, if that makes sense.
Up until yesterday it has been kind of the same. Saturday the day I flew was fine, I got up early got taken to the airport. Hopped on a plane for a couple of hours, got picked up from the airport. Met my landlady and got shown around the town and the house I am staying in. I went to the local supermarket to get some food, I also met the other lodger in the house. It was all stuff I normally would have been quite anxious about but I felt fine. I went out for dinner with my colleagues Andy and Deborah and their daughter Lizzie. It was a nice evening.
Unfortunately the next day I did not feel well at all. As you may know already I have IBS, so really Indian curry is not something I should be having. Onions and garlic do set me off. I had thought I was getting to a stage where my IBS was under control and I could tolerate more foods. So maybe my body was feeling the anxiety that I wasn’t and my guts were not liking it.
When I thought my tummy had settled down I headed out for a run. A route that I had almost managed to do on my previous visit, but didn’t quite make it in the heat. This time I ran all the way from the house to the port where I had stayed before. I explored the actual port area, run along the sea wall to the lighthouse. I stopped to enjoy the view and decided to walk back so I could take in the scenery.
This is when my tummy decided it had not done feeling bad, so my nice walk taking in the scenery became brisk walk back. I had arranged to meet Deborah for a coffee as she was spinning not far from the house. Luckily by the time I got back I felt a bit better. Deborah and I had a lovely breakfast at a cafe along the seafront. I then had a relaxing afternoon and evening in my PJ’s Blogging and planning my social.
My first day working from home, it was great. I could take a little more time getting ready in the morning, with no commute to worry about or people to see. It didn’t really feel too much different from working at the office, other than having less distractions. I got Skyped into the Monday morning meeting, so I still felt a part of the team. I also had a good catch up with my lovely colleague and friend Chloe.
Tuesday I had to make sure I got up on time as I was working from Andy and Deborahs house. We had Tuesday and Thursday scheduled in this week so I could spend some time working with them. It was good to work with them both again and get back into the swing of remotely working again.
Back in the downstairs bedroom/office at the house for hump day. Same old work stuff today. After work I went to the shop, as I had done most evenings due to my lack of planning. Everyone has said how cold it has been, I have only noticed it being a little chilly once. Wednesday evening it was tropical. It was like being in the Caribbean. It was windy but it was so warm, 17 degrees. The wind did keep me up that night, blowing furniture about on the terraces above, but in general I am sleeping ok.
Thursday, I worked with Andy and Deborah again today. After work I went for a run. This was because, Deborah asked if I had run last night, and I felt guilty I had only been once. I am pretty sure I did my fastest ever 1K at 3mins 3seconds. But I got a stitch at about the 4K mark so I had to stop a couple of times. Total running time was about 27mins, so getting back to the times when I was at my peak last year.
Friday, I felt emotion, finally. I did my working day from the house in my pj’s and finished at about 4:30. Heading straight out for a run, I was doing well for the first 1K, pacing myself better than before. But I soon felt like crap, it wasn’t even like the rib stabbing pain of a stitch. It was like someone had blown up a balloon inside my chest. So at 2.5K I stopped for a sit down. It was a beautiful warm day 20 degrees, the sun was shining the sky was clear. I was sat opposite the sea, with some huge crashing waves still from the windy week.
When I was finally able to move I crossed over the road and started climbing over the rocks to get some pictures and videos. As the pain in my chest started to die down I started to feel much better emotionally too.
It was great being out in the sun, with my arms out, on such a lovely bright day. The sound of the waves crashing against the rocks, and some classic tunes still going in my earphones, made me feel amazing. I had an overwhelming almost euphoric sense of happiness wash over me. Suddenly I felt so pleased that I am here in Javea, I felt I had made the right decision to come. I couldn’t stop smiling as I walked back over the rocks towards the sandy beach round the corner. I don’t remember ever feeling that much at peace and so happy on my own. So … maybe i’m not broken after all.