My next blog post I planned to be about my week in Javea with work, however it didn’t turn out to be as eventful as the week I had on my turn. Unfortunately this not a positive post but more of an update on how life does not alway go as you plan it. When I left for Spain I was blissfully happy in a good relationship, I was a little more unsure about work and career but I always have been unsure about my career direction. When I retuned from Spain I came back to a boyfriend in an unusual standoffish mood. This lasted throughout the week and lead to me overthinking what had been going on whilst I was away and worrying about what our upcoming conversation might be when he was ready to tell me what was going on.
The weekend after my return after dragging it out until last thing on Sunday night he finally told me what was going on. That being that he knows I wan’t, and have always wanted, marriage and children, but as our relationship has now progressed to the point we are living together he has realised how much I want it all. This lead to him realise how much he is really not sure he does. This resulted in a night of endless discussion and tears. By the time we fell asleep we were at a point where being together was no longer an option if we don’t want the same things in our future. I went to work the next day on limited sleep and with tears in my eyes, upon arriving at work and seeing my friend I broke down, I didn’t know what to do with myself and was sent home.
I headed straight for my friend Julie’s house who I had been messaging anyway about James being off all week. I then spent the day with her talking everything through. She was realistic but gave me a little hope that there might be a chance to work it out with James, if we gave counselling a go. I came home, James came home early from work too also feeling emotionally drained. I put the idea to him to think about and we had a quiet evening at home. The following weeks were very tough, we looked into and began counselling. After 8 years together we had such an easy relationship no, arguments or bickering but in the following weeks we started to snap at each other a bit.
I got to a point were I decided that it was time for James to move out, I thought just for a month to start with, for us to continue counselling and see if in a months time we could work out James’s reasons for not being sure about his future and if we could ease his worries. On one of his last days at home I had the mother of all breakdowns. I cried continuously for hours, while he was out asking a friend for a room. I did not know what to do with myself and felt for a moment like ending my life would end the pain. This seemed to be the last of my big crying sessions and by the time it got his moving out day I felt relief. I was struggling at work and looking for alternative employment and I was coming home to an unhappy unusual atmosphere so life felt pretty shit. When he left it was a weight off, I had time and space to think and process and I started thinking more about myself and how else I could make myself happy.
My first night alone, I went out with friends from work and I had a genuinely good time. Normally in social occasions involving alcohol and late nights I feel some kind of anxiety as well as tiredness and a burning desire to get back home to my bed. That night, once I let go a little and gave in to having a drink, I had the best time and I stayed out until 3am. My last late night involved a bed time before 12 so it was a bit out of character, but a good thing. This started a month of self loving and yes man Steph. I went out so much, I was confident and ok with the whole James situation it helped that I was doing so much better than him. But I spent a lot of time on myself and with friends. I got busy and got distracted and threw myself into work. I bought new clothes, invested in make up (not normal for me) had a hair cut and went to a lovely hen do weekend.
It helped that it was summer and I felt confident about my body and although my heart was ripped out and my future was no longer on track I was ok.
Unfortunately this feeling didn’t last. I can’t put my finger on when and why I started going backwards but it felt like the reality of the situation crept up on me again and I started to feel like I was heading back to square one. But rather than suffering in silence I have been quite open with friends and colleagues and talking about it every now and again is helping. I am still friends with James and although many say it is not for the best I am yet make up my mind on whether it is or not. Rather than trying to improve every part of my life and think about everything at once I am working on one thing at a time. Starting with my blogging. Several times I have said I will keep at this and not managed to keep it up with life in the way. But now I want to think about expanding my knowledge in social media and practicing things I am learning at work in my own personal online presence so I have more motivation than ever to keep it up.
This also means I have to keep finding things in my life to do that are interesting enough to write about. Lets hope some great opportunities come my way soon.